Into the West

If you didn't see the original post and comments over at Mormon Matters, I think they are worth a read. For once, people seemed to have level headed and fair answers - none of this you don't belong in our home nonsense. I'm only going to quote the question here, and then give my answer:

I grew up in a conservative Mormon home in a small rural town of southern Idaho. I am also gay. After serving a mission in Russia and graduating from BYU, I am now attending a graduate school in the Bay Area. I stopped attending church within the last few years and now consider myself agnostic or atheist (depending on the day). Without going into details about my transition out of the church—which is rather complicated—I think it is sufficient to say that I am very happy with the path in life I have chosen.

While I am at peace with myself and happy with the relationship I am in, I find it difficult, as a non-Mormon (or post-Mormon) interacting with my devout Mormon family. I have to give my family credit for still loving and accepting me and how well they have adjusted. I think they generally understand that being gay was never a choice I made and not something any of us can change. I see that they also want me to be happy but I am unsure how they feel about my relationship and lifestyle.

I generally try really hard to respect my family’s religious beliefs and hope for the same in return. Recently, while traveling with my brother I was waiting for a very early morning flight. I stopped to get breakfast and without thinking bought coffee. My brother was deeply offended. Several days later, my parents called requesting that I do not drink coffee in front of them because of its offensive nature. I understand that some behaviors may be offensive to them, but to what degree should I change my life to accommodate them?

I am personally a little uncomfortable going to church, reading scriptures, and having family prayer with them. I never refuse to do so because I do not want to cause drama. I now try to avoid situations where things like this are an issue, such as not visit my family on Sundays. I love my family very much and want to be close and involved in their lives, but what is the appropriate boundary between respect for their religious beliefs and compromising my lifestyle?

I can relate a lot to this situation (except for the coffee part, for whatever reason I find coffee disgusting). Personally, I think a healthy relationship is about finding ways to compromise on the little things, and standing your ground on things that are really important to you. Avoiding coffee, swearing, & being respectful during prayers are little things that show your love & respect for your family & the relationship you have. At the same time, you shouldn't compromise on things like the treatment of your spouse.

So far, I have had really good luck with my own personal situation in this area. My parents noticed I was avoiding Sunday visits, and actually mentioned that I should feel more than welcome to visit on Saturday/Sunday without feeling obligated to attend church related events.

This leads me to another question that David recently blogged about.

What, if anything, can I do to help a family member who is gay and LDS. I want him to know that I will always see him as family, and that I love him and want the best for him. He and I have disagreed quite a bit over the Prop. 8 battle in California, and it was through this dialogue that I found out he was gay, so it is a pretty recent discovery for me. Do you have any advice on how I can help support him without condoning same-sex relationships?

Why is the religious community so hung up on the issue of "condoning same-sex relationships"? We don't operate this way when it comes to any other religious issue. If I have a Catholic friend getting baptized, I don't feel the need to boycott his baptism. I don't stress about whether he will think I am "condoning" his baptism. When my Jewish friends get married, I don't worry about whether I am "condoning" their marriage, I get a gift and go show my support.

I think this attitude also shows a fundamental lack of understanding about the issues surrounding homosexuality. Gay people didn't choose this because they thought it would be a fun life, or a cool way to live. It's not like an alternative religion, a phase, or some other type of thing that they can just change because you don't approve of it. Sexual orientation is developed based on a complex interaction of biological and developmental factors - to the point that it is essentially impossible to change it. Experience has shown that it is often extremely harmful to the individual to try and change it.

My advice? You don't need to worry about condoning same-sex relationships. Personally, I'm reminded everyday of how much my church hates gay marriage. Trust me, there is no danger of me misunderstanding or forgetting that belief. If you want to help a gay family member or friend, then support legislation that is going to contribute to their well-being, protect their future family, decrease their chance of becoming a victim of a hate crime, and increase their emotional and physical stability. You can do all of this without compromising your own religious beliefs.

As quoted by David, Elder Ucthdorf said, "It is not good to make others feel as though they are deficient. Let us lift those around us. Let us extend a welcoming hand. Let us bestow upon our brothers and sisters... a special measure of humanity, compassion, and charity."