Into the West

It's Sunday night and I'm sitting here with the window open, listening to the rain fall outside. I have the Still Waters album from the Bee Gees playing softly in the background. Can't get much better than this. Well, ok... it could, but there is only one way that could happen...

This month's topics is on rules society sets for us, and rules we set for ourselves. I'm a little uncertain about how to exactly approach this, so I'm just going to hop around on my cute little soap boxes. Enjoy.

Dating

1. As a general rule, requests for a first date should be accepted. I'm just trying to convey some sort of compassion/respect for other people here. If you honestly feel the date has zero potential, than a polite no thank you is completely appropriate. Your safety and comfort should come first 100% of the time. Still, there is something to be said for getting to know different people and not limiting yourself to one narrow "type."
2. When you realize the relationship is going nowhere, or you are no longer interested in the person, end it right then and there. After the first date, there is absolutely no reason to continue if you are not interested in the person. Pity dates are not helpful to either individual in a relationship. In college I had a roomate who continued to date his girlfriend for WEEKS simply because he was too afraid of hurting her by ending it. Eventually he couldn't keep up the facade anymore, and he ended it right in the middle of a date. On Valentine's day. You can guess how she felt about that.
   
3. You are not obligated to remain friends after the relationship. Sometimes a friendship just won't work, or isn't desired. This is completely fine. My big caveat here: Don't pretend like you want to be friends when that isn't the case. I'm a big boy, man up and be honest with me.
4. Once I start to date someone more than a few times, I will not be pursuing other relationships while we continue to date. I don't expect exclusivity of my partner unless we have officially talked about it, but I just don't feel comfortable being too much of a "player."
   
5. Overall: Honesty and frankness should apply to dating, just like they should to any other relationship.

Mawwwiage

1. Encouraging people to enter into a MOM (mixed-orientation marriage) is unethical. These relationships have a dismal success rate. Financial or legal consultants who give advice with these kinds of results would quickly be unemployed, disbarred, and probably sued. Even if both parties are aware of the gay issue, I don't think anyone can truly understand what living in a MOM for the rest of their life will be like.
   
2. Encouraging a MOM to breakup is unethical. People in MOMs face difficult and vexing situations. As others have said, they often have to make up their own rules as they go. Some of these individuals have happy and fulfilling marriages. Many admit to their fair share of challenges, but will also tell you that the good moments are more than worth the bad ones. Whatever the case, these individuals know how to work out and discover what is best for them. Regardless of whether they stay together or move on to a different stage, our role should be to do whatever we can to support them along the way.
3. Each marriage can have its own set of rules. I'm fine with that, as long as each partner is 100% in the know, and there is complete and total honesty. Being gay does not give you an excuse to cheat. Being bi does not give you an excuse to cheat. Being straight and horny does not give you an excuse to cheat. I can think of few things in this world that are worse than cheating on your spouse. If this was an Elder Holland talk, this is where I would be pounding the pulpit with all the force my poor little frame could muster.
4. I really think that pornography is something that should be discussed openly and without judgment prior to marriage. Both partners should talk about what their experiences have been with it. Will pornography in the marriage constitute cheating? Partners need to indicate what their expectations are for pornography in the marriage relationship.
5. Marriage is a relationship that should (where possible) involve intimate expressions, and sex. I'm not talking about MOMs here, but the idea that gay people should live together, acting like a married couple in every respect but intimacy. On another blog someone recently commented on how they wished the ending for Latter Days could have incorporated this point of view. (terrible movie by the way) There was a period of time where I seriously considered this possibility. Now, I completely disagree with it. I can't believe in any kind of God who approves of a loving relationship, but wants you to remain separate from your partner simply because "gay sex is evil." Either it's all wrong, or it's all right - and I am obviously of the mind that God wants his gay children to form loving, committed relationships with the people they feel most attracted to.
   

Miscellaneous

1. Sex before Marriage: Being prohibited from obtaining a legal marriage (oh how I love my church) has really forced me to reconsider my views on sex. I have recently read several ex-mormon blogs that talk about struggling to learn that there is nothing wrong with casual sex, or sex for fun. I am uncomfortable with this viewpoint. For me, sex should be reserved for some form of a committed, long-term relationship. I attach a lot meaning to intimate stuff (cuddling, kissing, etc.) so I can't even imagine how awful I would feel if I felt like someone had been using me.
2. Alcohol: Even when I was active in the church I viewed the Word of Wisdom as a commandment that only applied to members of the church. So there was no problem when other people felt the need to drink alcohol, coffee, or whatever. I've never been ok with the idea of forcing our standards on the entire world - it just seems silly and contrary to the idea of moral agency in the first place. Personally, I'm back to the no alcohol thing for now. As embarrassed as I am to admit this, I finally decided to try out some of roomie's vodka the other night. (He owes me more than a few pizza's, so I figured it was a fair trade.) Four shots over the course of 30 minutes was enough to get me rather dizzy, and then in rapid succession, rather sick. Not only did the stuff taste disgusting, I had to throw it up. Yuck. Just writing about this makes me want to gag. *shudder*
3. Compassion: My general rule in life is that this world needs a lot more compassion. Elder Eyring was dead on when he shared this council, "When you meet someone, treat them as if they were in serious trouble, and you will be right more than half the time." Who knows what the person we are dealing with is facing? Why do we sometimes feel the need to be so heartless, so mean, and without feeling? Life is just too short for this kind nonsense. It is far more reward to build others up than it is to tear them down.